After reading  a guest post on  Snuggle Bubby’s blog about IVF which you can read here I decided it was time to tell my story.

I married in 1992 & although i’d never been “regular” I didn’t think there was a problem, but after nearly 5 years of trying nothing had happened.

I always dreamt that 1 christmas I could give my parents a card with a scan picture in introducing their 1st grandchild, but that never happened & without really knowing what happened my marriage started to fail. I may not have been perfect but trust me he was far from the ideal husband & after he admitted to an affair I stopped sleeping in the same room as him so nothing then would happen!

Years before my sister & myself had been for tests to see if we had problems as my dad has poly cystic kidneys & apparently it is hereditary but in the female is PCOS poly cystic ovary syndrome although some have the PCO & not the PCOS. My tests were clear when I was tested but I was only about 18 at the time & they don’t show until after your 21 or so we were told then.

I was never re-tested until I went to the doctors about my monthlies & they started to do a few more tests. I went back for the results & was told very bluntly & matter of factly by my doctor that the tests had come back & I had PCOS & couldn’t have children & “you wont get IVF on the NHS” so that was that. No nothing, no advice or help, I was just basically shown the door.

My parents were great & to this day I still remember my dad saying to me “we didn’t have children to have grandchildren”, which was really sweet of him.

I told my  husband who took it badly & blamed me for everything & accused me of having numerous affairs as I knew I wouldn’t get “caught out”!!!!

My marriage didn’t survive for long after I found out I couldn’t have children in fact I think it was only about 2-3 weeks! Yes the cracks were there before & this was the final nail in the coffin.

I then moved to a different city to get rid of the demons that were all around me, & registered with a new doctors who then transferred all my treatment/tablets they were “trying” me on to my local hospital.

They asked me if I was willing to help then in their research as in most cases women with PCOS can have treatment/drugs to shrink or burst the cysts  to enable their body to actually get pregnant but in my case I had no cysts so they were stumped.

I’ve had all the symptoms associated with PCOS but the drugs just don’t work. They have tried different tablets but most have nasty side effects & I wont take them. After all they’ll never work to get me pregnant so what’s the point?

I have since re-married & children were mentioned early on, he’s already got 2 children & had had a vasectomy years before so there was no option there. He did ask me if I was with someone else that could have children would I have gone through IVF & I said no beacause after all those years I couldn’t cope with anymore disappointment.

I’m not deeply religious but I do believe that “Him upstairs” has a reason for everything & wasn’t meant to have children of my own.