April 24, 2012 in Blog
As you will know last week I opened my heart & told my story about verbal abuse to Amanda Egan on her blog. The responses I’ve had from people has been fantastic & I thank you all for taking the time to read it & to comment.
I’m only 1 voice but I hope by being open that it may help others to realise they aren’t alone & verbal abuse is not something you have to put up with just because the scars are hidden.
Whilst writing my thong/flip flop fetish post I came across a letter I wrote about 10 days after I walked out on my former life, I’ve decided to publish it just as I wrote it. I haven’t edited it at all so if there are grammatical errors I apologise now!
24-7-00 An Open Letter
Thank you for all you did over the last 12 years. I now know how bad my life was , your attitude towards me has made me realise that I am a person in my own right & not just a part of you.
I can now start my life, begin to start living & loving & finding the real me that has been hidden by you for so long.
I will rise from the very bottom & reach the top. My only way is up as I couldn’t get any lower thanks to you & what you have done to me. My whole person hurts from being dragged anlong the floor & constantly kiced while I was down.
But out of this I will become a better person who is free to live life & to love openly & to be loved for me & not the image you created.
You’ll never realise how hard I tried to stay in love with you over the years but what you did 4 years ago finished any hope we had. But maybe if we’d been honest with each other from the start, we never had a long term future & we should never have got married, but by then you’d brain-washed me & convinced me I would never find anyone else to love me, I believed you, I settled for, but I’m sorry it was no longer enough. I needed to find myself, I’ve been trapped for so long pretending to be someone I’m not it’s going to be hard but 1 day I will rise above all the insults you threw at me & start to like myself again.
I can be a loner, but I’m not sure if that’s just the feeling I’ve got after being told for so long by you or not, that confuses me. I do need my own space but I also need the love and support that my loved one’s can give me.
You need to move on, make a new life for yourself, we’ve both got to as we can’t turn back the clock or change what has happened or been said.
My self worth is growing & I belive, no I know I will & can only become a better & happier person & I actually needed to live through this experience to help the rest of my life become a reality.
I’ve grown so tired, it’s much too late, but I can save myself. I’ve taken a chance to find happiness & I will do my very best to achieve it. I have lost everything in my life except my family. I have a long way to go but I will eventually get back & when I do I will be a better person as I will know I’ve become that person for me.
By doing what you have done has changed me into a better person . I thank you for that.
I need time to get over you but your trying to mess with my head by sending me the letters you are, they are old letters you wrote years ago, before we were married.
Please you have to move on with your life & try to be happy, but only you can do that no-one can help you.
I’m sorry for hurting you but you’ve hurt me, most of the time only with words but they still hurt. I can never go back to the life I had & you will never change however much you say you will. I will never go back to my old life, that is a closed chapter in a very old & battered book. The only thing left is to put the book back on the shelf & for it never be looked at again.
I know you will never see this letter & I’m not sure I’ll ever finish it but it;s the start of my new life & a new beginning for me.